How one Word Undermines the Power of Praise

Praise is a powerful tool.  Whether it’s in the workplace, in a classroom, or at home, it can build confidence, reinforce positive behaviour, and strengthen relationships.  A well-placed compliment can inspire someone to push themselves further, feel valued, and stay motivated.  However, when that praise is followed by the word *but*, its impact is often diminished or even erased altogether.  Let’s explore why.

When we give praise, we acknowledge someone’s efforts or accomplishments.  It’s a moment of recognition that says, “I see the good in what you’re doing, and it matters.” Genuine praise can foster growth, drive self-esteem, and encourage repeat behaviour.  It feels good to be recognised, and it’s even better when that recognition leads to a sense of achievement and progress.

However, the effectiveness of praise depends largely on how it’s delivered.  Words have power, and in this case, one small word—*but*—can make all the difference.

When someone says, “You did a great job, *but*…”, the praise that came before the *but* is quickly overshadowed.  Why? Because the listener instinctively focuses on what comes after it.  Suddenly, the compliment is followed by a criticism or a correction, and the positive reinforcement is tainted.  Even if the feedback is constructive, the compliment no longer feels sincere.

For example:
– “You handled that meeting really well, *but* you missed a key point.”
– “I love how you’ve been so proactive, *but* your report was incomplete.”

In both cases, the person is left focusing on the perceived flaw or mistake, not the initial praise.  The use of *but* creates a shift from appreciation to disappointment, and it can leave the recipient feeling confused or discouraged.

When *but* is inserted into a sentence, it essentially negates everything that came before it.  The brain is wired to focus on contrast, so the positive statement is sidelined in favour of the critique.  Instead of hearing, “I appreciate your hard work,” the listener might interpret the sentence as, “Your hard work doesn’t matter because you messed up.”

This is particularly true in sensitive situations where confidence is already fragile.  Employees who are trying to improve, children who are learning new skills, or individuals who are stepping outside their comfort zones are especially vulnerable to this kind of language.  While the intention may be to offer both praise and constructive feedback, the *but* introduces a tension that can hinder progress rather than encourage it.

The key to giving effective praise is to keep it separate from feedback.  By doing so, you allow the person to fully absorb and appreciate the recognition without feeling it’s conditional.  If there’s a need to offer criticism or suggestions for improvement, it’s better to follow up later, or rephrase in a way that doesn’t diminish the compliment.

Here are some alternative approaches:

1. Use *and* instead of *but*.
   – “You handled that meeting really well, *and* next time we can focus on bringing up that key point.”
   – “I love how proactive you’ve been, *and* I think we can refine the report together.”

By using *and*, you acknowledge the positive action while still introducing areas for improvement without creating a sense of contradiction.

2. Pause between praise and feedback.
   Separate your compliment from your critique with a short pause or even a different conversation. For example:
   – “I was really impressed with how you led that project. Keep up the great work!” Then, later on: “I had a thought about how we can enhance the next report.”

This separation helps to ensure that the praise is received fully, while the feedback can be addressed as its own topic.

3. Deliver feedback as its own positive opportunity.

Frame feedback as a collaborative effort or a chance for growth, so it feels less like criticism and more like a step toward improvement.
– “The report was thorough, and next time we could aim for a bit more detail.  I’d love to work with you on that.”

Words shape how we perceive ourselves and the world around us.  When praise is delivered thoughtfully, it builds trust, confidence, and motivation.  However, when it’s diluted by the word *but*, it can create feelings of insecurity, doubt, and frustration.  Over time, this can lead to disengagement, where the person begins to dread feedback instead of welcoming it as part of their growth.

By being mindful of the language we use, we can make our praise more meaningful and impactful.  Separate praise from critique and let each stand on its own.  This way, the praise feels genuine, and the feedback feels constructive, not contradictory.

In the end, it’s not just about what we say, but how we say it.  Choosing words carefully—especially when offering both praise and feedback—helps to create an environment where people feel appreciated, respected, and motivated to keep improving.

The next time you’re about to give someone praise, pause before adding that *but*.  By separating positive recognition from constructive feedback, you’ll ensure that your praise is heard, appreciated, and remembered for what it is: an acknowledgment of hard work and progress.  Remember, praise should lift people up, not set them up for disappointment.

Photo by Madison Oren on Unsplash